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Mirror mirror, on the wall... - Tkil [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Tkil

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Mirror mirror, on the wall... [Nov. 7th, 2003|11:20 pm]
Tkil
[mood |cynicalcynical]

Nothing like a trip to the ritzy mall to make me feel poor and ugly. (It does’t help that I went there for an extra-geeky purchase.) Because, if I’m not rich or good-looking (or able to fake either convincingly), well, that means I’m pretty much shit.
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From: marieofroumania
2003-11-08 12:53 am (UTC)
I don't understand when Fascist Valley became so high-class.
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[User Picture]From: tkil
2003-11-08 08:41 pm (UTC)

Where the Master Race shops!

Eh, I don’t know if it has gotten worse; I think I’ve been there a total of three times, always to go to the Apple Store. (And I’ve only lived here for two years, so this is hardly a long-term study...)

It’s more a trigger for my own neuroses to come into play. Seeing all the people there, especially on a Friday night, their shiny cars, shiny clothes, shiny hair... made this hippy / computer geek feel all the more frazzled, unstylish, etc.

I should make sure I have Marilyn Manson’s “The Beautiful People” in my car the next time I go.
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From: marieofroumania
2003-11-08 08:44 pm (UTC)
That is so weird to me. I've never, ever felt like that in San Diego. Here, certainly, in LA, certainly, but I guess I'm so used to whatever SD mentality that it doesn't register.
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[User Picture]From: tkil
2003-11-08 08:55 pm (UTC)

SD Vibe

I think that I’ve gotten so bad that it doesn’t matter where I am: I look around and see people better looking than me, happier than me, richer than me, funnier than me, more successful than me, smarter than me, more centered than me, etc.

Last night’s trip just brought those out in stark relief, as many of the people there were extra-polished for a weekend night out on the town.

On top of everything else, I have made my world so small that almost any change from my narrow little routine (wake, work, eat, drink, sleep) makes me see people actually living their lives, and that unnerves me. Oh well, just means I need to increase the “drink” portion of my routine.
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[User Picture]From: nolly
2003-11-08 08:28 am (UTC)
This is why I'm glad there's now a UTC Apple Store. UTC has better parking, too.
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[User Picture]From: tkil
2003-11-08 09:01 pm (UTC)

UTC Apple Store

Yeah. I knew there was a store there now, but Fascist Valley (thanks, Brooke!) seems more like it’s “on the way home”. (Which, for the curious is: Rancho Bernardo -> I-15 south -> veer right onto CA-163 south -> I-8 west -> Sunset Cliffs south -> Ocean Beach.)

Next time I’ll give the UTC store more consideration. While UTC is often overrun with good-looking students, I tend to still dress and act like one myself (a student, that is, not the “good looking” part), so it’s less awkward.
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[User Picture]From: nolly
2003-11-08 11:56 pm (UTC)

Re: UTC Apple Store

Good looks are a matter of opinion.

I think you make pretty good eye candy, actually. I like long-haired geek boys.

UTC is a pretty mixed crowd, depending in part of the time of day.
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[User Picture]From: tkil
2003-11-09 01:03 am (UTC)

Re: UTC Apple Store

Good looks are a matter of opinion.

Indeed. Unfortunately, my opinion of my own looks is quite poor. Which shouldn’t matter; if my [hypothetical] girlfriend thinks I’m attractive, isn’t that what counts?

But I can’t seem to stop analyzing, evaluating, trying to figure out whether I’m giving “enough value” to a relationship. Which is high hubris; again, if she thinks I am, then that should be good enough. If she thinks that I’m slacking, then it is her place to either encourage me to fix it, or to tell me that it isn’t enough.

And when I look in the mirror in the morning, or even after getting back from the gym... I see flab, no muscle definition, receding hair, bad skin. When I move, I feel lack of tone, RSI ache, asthma if I exert myself at all, lots of sweat with little to show for it. When I dress, I see rumpled college student with a body that clothes simply don’t fit well on.

In short, I look in the mirror and go “ick!” ... and assume that anyone else would look at me and say the same. And that’s all before I even leave the house in the morning.

I think you make pretty good eye candy, actually.

*blush*. Thank you. :)

Keep in mind that I’m a firm believer in the “loose shirts hide many flaws” school of thought. And you have mostly seen me in the one setting I am comfortable, productive, and knowledgeble in — that is, you’re seeing my fairly rare outgoing, positive, confident side.

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[User Picture]From: nolly
2003-11-10 11:12 am (UTC)

Re: UTC Apple Store

Nearly everyone is hypercritical of themselves. We tend to spend more time looking at ourselves and examining ourselves than other people do. While the reverse would probably be even worse, and there are certainly exceptions, it does tend to lead to distortions between self-perception and what others see. For instance, you refer to having "bad skin". Not bad enough that I've ever noticed, but you've certainly spent far more time looking closely at your own skin than I have -- and vice versa; I'm certainly more aware of every little physical flaw in my body than you are, or anyone else is.

In my experience, though, relationships really aren't about looks. There's plenty of eye candy I'd never be able to have a healthy, happy relationship with, and not all the people I could have a good relationship with are eye candy. Good eye candy outnumbers good relationship potential by quite a lot, in fact; the latter are rather hard to come by, particularly as I learn from bad experiences and get pickier.

Compatible personalities, mutually enjoyed activities, compatible senses of humor, compatible lifestyles and beliefs -- all of these and more are more important than looks, especially in the long run.

The key is communication. Well, the keystone, anyway -- a keystone alone don't make much of an arch, but an arch without a keystone is no arch at all. A lot more than good communication goes into a good relationship, but it's impossible to build a good relationship without it.

I don't know you well enough to know what strengths and weaknesses you bring to a relationship. I haven't noticed any major, glaring, "run away! run away!" flags, though.
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[User Picture]From: nux_vomica
2003-11-08 09:15 am (UTC)
places like that are for droids without hearts or brains. wish someone would tell them!
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[User Picture]From: tkil
2003-11-08 09:12 pm (UTC)

Droids

Yeah, but they seem to be having a good time of it. :-(

Ha. It’s kind of weird; I’m a snob, but without the superiority complex. I think that their lifestyle is shallow, wasteful, toxic, destructive, and exploitative. But I don’t have any better answers myself; at best, I’m trying to zero out my impact on the world. I have no answers for how to make it actually positive.

And maybe I simply envy their happiness, no matter what its source.
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[User Picture]From: nux_vomica
2003-11-08 09:50 pm (UTC)

Re: Droids

i don't think it's happiness....it's a very good facade, but it seems like the more people try to fulfill themselves with mechanistic doo-dads, the more they disconnect from themselves: who reads any more, ya know? who actually hand writes letters, or takes the time to think things through like that?

i think all the fancy bullshit just serves to alienate people from themselves more and more. and the more they pay for it, the more they are confused when they are still not happy. and then comes the snobby bullshit attitudes, about how they have so many things and stuff, but it doesn't fulfill them, and so they act out on those with less...it's such shite.

i am kinda ranting about it in my own journal right now, and it was a topic for me a couple weeks back. it's something that bugs the hell out of me a lot.
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[User Picture]From: tkil
2003-11-08 10:22 pm (UTC)

Re: Droids

who actually hand writes letters, or takes the time to think things through like that?

Ah, but that’s rather precisely what I was referring to: a combination of “ignorance is bliss” and “if you have ever asked yourself ‘am I happy?’, the answer is most likely ‘no’”.

There’s a difference between fake happiness and shallow happiness; if all you know is being shallow, then the latter really is happiness. We might heckle from the outside, and talk about how they aren’t “really happy”, but does our opinion matter?

In a way, I wish I didn’t know as much about the world as I did; I wish I felt I were more important, more vital, more central. But I don’t. Exposure to many different things — by no means a majority, but maybe more than most — has left me with an appreciation for how big and varied the world is.

For whatever reasons, I am also left with a feeling that I’m not a particularly useful or important part of that world. So I envy those that do feel vital.

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[User Picture]From: nux_vomica
2003-11-08 10:55 pm (UTC)

Re: Droids

i know that apathy element ALL TOO WELL!!! it is like pulling teeth fto get myself to do anything creative. it's SAD.
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